Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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