I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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