I feel like abortions should bother me more
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
