U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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