I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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