pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
