True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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