I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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