I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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