someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
