isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
