in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
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