I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
My vagina just recognized that song.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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