The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
