im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
