I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
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I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
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My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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