I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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