I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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