Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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