Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
