You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
