I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
