i wish my penis had a tongue
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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