I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
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I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
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You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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