i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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