I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
