Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
