Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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