so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
