my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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