It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
