woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
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That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
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I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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