remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
