I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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