i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
