The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
