My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
