Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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