Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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