fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
