His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
i've created a new STD.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
