They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
