She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
