ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
