wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I need moral support for this bender
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just had sex on a roof
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I don't want my vagina anymore.
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