My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
PANTIES FOUND
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