You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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