I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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