apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Can you bring me the toilet please
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
