Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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