my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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