do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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