You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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