K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
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