Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
