Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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