If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
