i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
