just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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